The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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