Just fell off a train. Bad.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
