it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have tasted many bathrooms
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
