I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
