you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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