My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
