I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
