He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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