fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
