I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
