there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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