Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
