You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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