No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
