i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
