well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
