I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
