We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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