I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
