dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
