dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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