I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just cropdusted the office
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
