omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
