So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
