I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
