i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
