dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
