YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I love having hate sex.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
