I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
