I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's never too late to be topless.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
