Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
