the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
