Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
