She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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