May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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