I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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