I just cut my nipple shaving
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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