I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
