I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
