It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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