M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Thank you for not boning my boss.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
