if you like me you must not know who I am
Yo dont text me then not text me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
