someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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