I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
