Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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