bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
