He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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