Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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