Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
