no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
